Change It

This is one of my favorite sayings.

I love how forthright it is.

I can wait for the "right moment" that might never come along, or I can just do it.

No one can change me but me.

I am not powerless to change.

And neither are you.

Focusing On The Positives

Nope - not PEACE! Lupron Shot #2

I could feel it starting in my chest and arms. It was like a warm, pulsing wave slowly working its way up to my head. The walls in the studio began to close in on me. I took a couple of deep breaths and told myself to hang tight - the feeling would pass.

But it didn't. The warm wave had turned into the feeling of hot lava flowing upwards into my face.

"Jack, I'm having a hot flash."

He looked at me unsure of what to do with me.

I knew what I needed to do. I needed to find some air, fast. I stood up and peeled my short-sleeve sweater off, leaving it in a heap on my chair. I walked over to both doors on my side of the studio and opened them. It was so much cooler out in the hallway. I checked the temperature in the studio - 75 degrees.

"Jack, I'm dying. I need some air. It's too hot in here. Can we please lower the temp in the studio? Seriously, make it 60 degrees or something. I'm dying here."

He was more than excited to lower the temp in the studio - the colder the better. Every day we argue over the temp and generally settle on 73 degrees. A few degrees to warm for him; a few degrees too chilly for me. I have a feeling we'll be agreeing on the temperature for awhile now.

I flopped into my chair. Jack grabbed a folder and waved it furiously in front of me. The cool air felt wonderful. The fire in my face was finally starting to subside.

"Oh, Jack," I said with dread. "I've become one of those women. I've become a crazy menopausal woman. Oh my gosh. Look at me. I'm turning lights off, slamming doors. I'm one step away from putting my head in the freezer. It's happening to me. It's really happening."

"I just want to stare at you. I mean, I feel kind of rude, but this is really interesting," Jack said with his eyes wide open.

"Keep staring. It's going to get better. I think I'm going to have a crying jag in about 30 minutes. I guarantee it. Just you wait."

Sure enough, about twenty minutes later, I started crying for no reason at all. Literally. Crying. Without a reason. It was pure ridiculousness. A hormonal squall had been unleashed in my body. Good gracious.

For the record, Jack deserves a medal today. If today is an indication of what's ahead of me, it's going to be a long five months as I go through this treatment*. And since Jack is stuck with me for four hours a day, it will be a long five months for him too. Jack was a real trooper and handled my crazed state of being very well.

I'd just like to say that I'm sorry for every time I made fun of a woman in menopause. I don't remember making fun of any women in menopause, because I always knew I'd be there someday, but if I did I'm truly sorry. This is awful. Ridiculous. Yesterday, I received Lupron Shot #2, so I have a feeling that my body is accepting and reacting to the shot. In the mean time, I'm going to try to focus on the positives:

1) I know there is a deadline - in five more months I should be cured of endometriosis (although I recognize there is no "cure" per se, at least this will kill it for the time being), so I just need to hang tight.

2) I have understanding family and friends who will let me have my freak outs and understand that this is temporary.

3) I have a co-worker who knows how to turn a folder into an instant fan. That's a bonus.

4) There's a full fridge/freezer only a few steps from the studio, so if I need to stick my head in there, it's available.

5) ???

What other positives am I missing? Care to add to the list?


--Erin


*I'm currently receiving Lupron shots to treat severe endometriosis. Lupron is a chemotherapy drug used to treat prostate, cervical, and breast cancers and endometriosis. The drug works by removing estrogen that feeds the cancer or endometriosis. Complete estrogen removal is also known as menopause. JOY!