He's Writing Your Story

A young friend of mine, in her early twenties, was lamenting that "all" of her friends were having kids and putting pressure on her to find a husband and have kids ASAP.

It made me feel sad for her. I remember the pressure of that age; although, I can concede that much of it was implied pressure I put on myself. I saw my friends in relationships, getting married, beginning their families, and I felt the expectation that I needed to join in as if the twenties are the golden time to make all of that happen. Then there was the spoken pressure from family and friends...

"How come you aren't seeing anyone?" 

"You need to get out there - get yourself a boyfriend!" 

"You should be having your first child by now!"

"You're not married yet? With all of your skills?" 

All of it made me question myself...

"Am I really that ugly?" 

"Is it because I'm not skinny enough?" 

"Does my personality stink that badly?" 

"Am I too Type A for someone?" 

"What's wrong with me?"

It made me question God...

"Why isn't this happening?" 

"Why are you letting me hurt so badly?"  

"Why aren't you giving me what I want?"  

"What have I done wrong?"  

"What's wrong with me?"

I kept coming back to the question, "What's wrong with me that I'm not like them?" One day, I finally started hearing and believing God when He would say, "There's nothing wrong with you. I didn't create you to be like them. I created you to be you. I've written a story that's just for you, just like I've written a story for each of them that's just for them. Your story looks different from their story, just like their story looks different from yours. Do you trust Me with your story? Will you put down their book and pick up the one I'm writing for you?"

I left my book sitting in a corner for quite a long time, until I got tired of feeling hurt. I figured it couldn't make me feel any worse to pick up my own book. I discovered some amazing chapters and am embracing the stories within. I read them with anticipation.

Family and friends mean well. When they begin to question the marital relationship chapters of my book and wonder why the pages are blank, it's just because they treasure the filled pages of their own book so much. You know how it is: When you have something you love so much, you want to share it so someone else can share in the experience.

So, what would I tell my young friend to say to her friends who are pressuring to "find" someone? I would tell her to smile and gently share that "the story God is writing for me looks different than the story He's writing for you. My story of love and joy is being written differently than your story of love and joy. It's still a story of love, joy, and hope, but God's writing mine with me in mind."

If you're asking, "What's wrong with me?" I'm here to tell you there is nothing wrong with you. God's writing a story about you and for you. All you need to do is dust off the cover of your book and open to the first page to see it.

-- Erin

PS - Give Francesca Battistelli's song, "Write Your Story" a listen here

Love Take Me Over

Sometimes, I get so caught up in the doing, the lists, the getting-things-accomplished that the right side of my brain starves. I start to consider the list, the what-needs-to-get-done, more important than people.

Last year, around my surgery, I promised myself I would be different.

I promised myself I'd spend more time listening to people and paying attention to them.

I promised myself I wouldn't let the to-do list overwhelm my need to love others.

The other day, I had a "promise check" when I actually wished someone would leave me alone and not tell me their happy news because I had things that needed to get done. 

I was choosing things over people again. I had to stop to course correct my attitude. 

I turned away from what I was doing and focused solely on what the person was saying. You know what the other person said after our conversation? "Thanks for listening - I really appreciate it." 

One thing I've learned about people is they just want to be heard. They want to know someone is listening and that someone cares about them.

I think our greatest need is to know and feel love. I'm not talking romance; I'm talking genuine love is a verb, an action kind of love. It's love that listens, that pays attention, that says "You're more important to me than anything - including this phone call, this Facebook alert that popped up on my cell, anything." That's the kind of love I'm aiming for in my relationships.

How can I leave someone feeling and being better and knowing that someone cares about them?

If you haven't heard it yet, take a listen to this new song from Steven Curtis Chapman. It's called "Love Take Me Over." Every time the song comes on the radio I make it my "promise check" and my prayer...

So I'm praying, Father, help my heart believe
That right now You're singing over me
And fill me up with Your love

Love, take these words that I'm speaking
Love, take these thoughts that I'm thinking
Love, take me over
Love, fill up all of my space and
Love, come stand right here in my place
Love, hear this prayer that I'm praying
Love, take me, love, take me over

Now... I'm going to go love some people today and not let the list get in the way of doing it!

Focusing On The Positives

Nope - not PEACE! Lupron Shot #2

I could feel it starting in my chest and arms. It was like a warm, pulsing wave slowly working its way up to my head. The walls in the studio began to close in on me. I took a couple of deep breaths and told myself to hang tight - the feeling would pass.

But it didn't. The warm wave had turned into the feeling of hot lava flowing upwards into my face.

"Jack, I'm having a hot flash."

He looked at me unsure of what to do with me.

I knew what I needed to do. I needed to find some air, fast. I stood up and peeled my short-sleeve sweater off, leaving it in a heap on my chair. I walked over to both doors on my side of the studio and opened them. It was so much cooler out in the hallway. I checked the temperature in the studio - 75 degrees.

"Jack, I'm dying. I need some air. It's too hot in here. Can we please lower the temp in the studio? Seriously, make it 60 degrees or something. I'm dying here."

He was more than excited to lower the temp in the studio - the colder the better. Every day we argue over the temp and generally settle on 73 degrees. A few degrees to warm for him; a few degrees too chilly for me. I have a feeling we'll be agreeing on the temperature for awhile now.

I flopped into my chair. Jack grabbed a folder and waved it furiously in front of me. The cool air felt wonderful. The fire in my face was finally starting to subside.

"Oh, Jack," I said with dread. "I've become one of those women. I've become a crazy menopausal woman. Oh my gosh. Look at me. I'm turning lights off, slamming doors. I'm one step away from putting my head in the freezer. It's happening to me. It's really happening."

"I just want to stare at you. I mean, I feel kind of rude, but this is really interesting," Jack said with his eyes wide open.

"Keep staring. It's going to get better. I think I'm going to have a crying jag in about 30 minutes. I guarantee it. Just you wait."

Sure enough, about twenty minutes later, I started crying for no reason at all. Literally. Crying. Without a reason. It was pure ridiculousness. A hormonal squall had been unleashed in my body. Good gracious.

For the record, Jack deserves a medal today. If today is an indication of what's ahead of me, it's going to be a long five months as I go through this treatment*. And since Jack is stuck with me for four hours a day, it will be a long five months for him too. Jack was a real trooper and handled my crazed state of being very well.

I'd just like to say that I'm sorry for every time I made fun of a woman in menopause. I don't remember making fun of any women in menopause, because I always knew I'd be there someday, but if I did I'm truly sorry. This is awful. Ridiculous. Yesterday, I received Lupron Shot #2, so I have a feeling that my body is accepting and reacting to the shot. In the mean time, I'm going to try to focus on the positives:

1) I know there is a deadline - in five more months I should be cured of endometriosis (although I recognize there is no "cure" per se, at least this will kill it for the time being), so I just need to hang tight.

2) I have understanding family and friends who will let me have my freak outs and understand that this is temporary.

3) I have a co-worker who knows how to turn a folder into an instant fan. That's a bonus.

4) There's a full fridge/freezer only a few steps from the studio, so if I need to stick my head in there, it's available.

5) ???

What other positives am I missing? Care to add to the list?


--Erin


*I'm currently receiving Lupron shots to treat severe endometriosis. Lupron is a chemotherapy drug used to treat prostate, cervical, and breast cancers and endometriosis. The drug works by removing estrogen that feeds the cancer or endometriosis. Complete estrogen removal is also known as menopause. JOY! 

The Beginning of the New Me - Part 2

After I finished the Baltimore Women's Classic 5K, it was time to face another issue. My feet. They were killing me. The second I stood on them, I felt a stabbing pain in my heels. I could barely walk. I visited a podiatrist and he said I had something called "plantar fasciitis." PubMed Health describes it as an "inflammation of the thick tissue on the bottom of the foot. This tissue is called the plantar fascia. It connects the heel bone to the toes and creates the arch of the foot." Either way...I HURT. The cause? Me trying to run. Basically, he told me in a nice way, I was too fat for my feet to be able to run. I had given myself plantar fasciitis and the only way to fix it was to stop trying to run, do certain stretches, wear only tennis shoes, and ice my heels. He left out "and lose some weight, fatty" but I knew that was part of the equation. How in the world was I suppose to lose weight if I couldn't exercise?? I HAD to lose weight. Plus I was going on a cruise in November, and I had to at least be mobile!

I tried on my own, but the scale wouldn't budge. I decided I couldn't do it on my own anymore, so I did some research on weight loss programs. I landed on Weight Watchers because they were the only ones that didn't involve buying pre-packaged food. I knew, in order for me to lose and keep the weight off, I had to do it without special foods and learn how to lose weight by being able to make my own food. I walked into Weight Watchers on August 28th, 2010, and stayed for the meeting. It was like every comedy sketch I had seen - all these people talked about was food. I wanted to laugh! But I was inspired by the people there who were openly sharing their struggles. I decided to give myself three months. I didn't even tell my parents until about the third week. For so long I had talked about losing weight, it was time for me to shut up and just do it. So I did it. Right after I got myself a final farewell Five Guys Burger and Fries for lunch. Literally. I went to Weight Watchers, signed up, and got a cheeseburger and fries for lunch. Isn't that an indication of the change that needed to be made? Sheesh!

By the time my cruise had rolled around, I had lost 15lbs in two months. I even lost 4lbs on the cruise! I was finally feeling successful. The pain in my feet was starting to lessen. And more importantly, the pain in my mind and heart from the "incident" was starting to lessen. The one thing that I've learned during my weight loss journey is it's not just about confronting a number on the scale - it's about confronting the reasons and the emotions behind why the weight was gained in the first place. The more that I addressed my weight, the more I kept reliving the "incident." The weight I carried around was a burden and a reminder of the insulation I had built to protect myself. As I shed the weight, it also meant having to shed the hurt. Part of me had become accustomed to the hurt, if that makes sense. I had lived with it so long, it had become part of me and I had to be willing to let it all go if I had truly forgiven that man. In November 2010, I ran into an acquaintance, someone I only knew by his first name. He seemed uncomfortable, but that's because he was trying to work up the nerve to share with me that I knew his brother - "the man." He didn't know the specifics of what happened, but he wanted to apologize to me on behalf of his brother for the harm he did to me. I can't imagine how difficult it was for him to talk to me about that. But I realized that I hadn't forgiven his brother like I thought I had. God gave me the opportunity to see that I still had work to do in regards to forgiveness. But I resisted the opportunity and turned back to what always comforted me in the past: food. Over the next two weeks, I ate and gained 4lbs. He had invaded my world again, and I wanted to rebuild the insulation. I was so mad at him all over again. I realized that I was scared to let go of the hurt that he had caused. If I let go of the hurt, then what did I have to hold on to? Truly, letting go of the hurt meant that God could have filled that space with something fantastic, but for some reason I kept choosing the hurt because it was familiar.

I reminded myself that all of these emotions were part of the journey, and I didn't want to blow the progress that I had made. I learned that when I was stressed I would pig out. I used food to calm me. I would also use food as a reward for when something good happened. When I celebrated completing my first 5K, I went to Five Guys. It's pretty obvious I have a thing for Five Guys, isn't it? I also used fast food as a crutch. Instead of planning food, I'd convince myself that I was too busy to make lunch so I'd have to get Burger King or Wendy's or Chick-fil-A. I noticed that failure to plan equaled failure at the scale, and disappointment with myself. There were some weeks where I stayed the same, and I was okay with that because it meant at least I was dealing with whatever issue popped up without going to food. At some point I realized that I was tired of being disappointed in myself and by myself, and it was stupid for me to continue to do things that made me hate myself. I decided to start doing less of the things that made me hate myself and more of the things that made me proud of myself. If I knew I couldn't eat out and come away feeling proud of myself, I didn't do it. If eating a second helping of something was going to cause me to feel hatred or disappointment toward myself, even if I had the Weight Watchers points for it, I didn't eat it. If watching TV instead of going for a walk made me feel disappointed in myself, I went for the walk. I didn't succeed at doing this 100% of the time, but "do less of the things that cause disappointment in myself and more of the things that make me proud of myself" was a guiding principal for me and still is today.

During the winter months I joined a gym to keep myself active. I also had set a goal to be able to drastically improve my time at the the 2011 Baltimore Women's Classic 5K. I practiced running for 30 seconds every two minutes or so and would gradually build up my time. The important thing with exercise, for me, was to just do something. When I first started exercising at the beginning of the prior year, I could barely do 10 minutes at 2.0 on the treadmill. My brain, lungs, and legs screamed at me to stop. But I did it. The next day, I did it again. And I did it again after that. I told myself each time that I would look back on this day and remember where I started. I remember going for a walk in my neighborhood and being able to only "run" for 10 seconds. It felt like torture. But I told myself that I was laying the groundwork for Future Erin to live out her dreams. I needed to suck it up and do it for her. And I reminded myself that, a year prior, running for 10 seconds wasn't even an option. Each time I got out there, I could do a little more. My goal was to be able to feel successful at the 2011 Baltimore Women's Classic and do my best race.

By the time the 2011 Baltimore Women's Classic 5K rolled around I had lost 30lbs with the guidance of Weight Watchers (45lbs total) and a lot of hard work. This time I did the BWC with some wonderful women that I met through Weight Watchers. It was amazing seeing each of these ladies succeed at completing their race. I ran/walked my best race, and I was so excited to cross the finish line. I secretly hoped to be finished the 3.1 miles in 40 minutes, and I finished in 38:24 with a 12:22 pace. I shaved 10:52 off my time from last year!! I can't tell you how exhilarating it was to cross the finish line and know that I had given it my best.

Over the next two months, I continued to be diligent about my walking/running and did the River Valley Run in August for the very first time. I had always photographed it and secretly wished that I was like the people doing the run, so I made the decision to just do it. Unfortunately that day I was feeling miserable with a head cold, but I did it anyway. That was another big change for me. Before I would have backed out, but this time, I did it. I didn't worry about beating my time from the BWC, I just enjoyed the scenery and was thankful that I could complete the race - and I did it in 40:30. Not bad for being sick and not really trying!

By the time the fall came around, I found myself losing steam. I knew that come winter I would lose motivation and not want to work it. It's my pattern. So I decided that I needed to change that pattern. Also, I had hit a plateau and I couldn't seem to bust past a certain number on the scale. I had felt good that I had lost all the weight that I had gained from "the incident," but I was stuck at the weight I was when it all started. Mentally, I felt like if I could separate myself from that number than it would give me a clean break from what happened and I could put it behind me. I didn't realize the work God was going to do in me about that number over the winter months.

Read Part 1 of the story here.
Read Part 3 of the story here. 

Just Stay Calm

The Israelites are a bunch of whiney behineys aren't they?

God rescues them over and over again and they whine at the slightest hiccup.

Not like I can identify with that or anything.

Whatever.

Anyway, I came across this Bible verse and it resonated with me.

Quick set up: Pharaoh has just released the Israelites when he changes his mind and decides to go after them. The Israelites are at the edge of the river with no place to go. They can see Pharaoh and his army behind them, barreling down on them. So, naturally, they do what most people would do. They lose it. They begin to berate Moses:

"'Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren’t there enough graves for us in Egypt? What have you done to us? Why did you make us leave Egypt? Didn’t we tell you this would happen while we were still in Egypt? We said, ‘Leave us alone! Let us be slaves to the Egyptians. It’s better to be a slave in Egypt than a corpse in the wilderness!’” Exodus 14:11-12

But Moses, being the ever patient leader, says to them:

" ...'Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.'" Exodus 14:13-14

I love that - "just stay calm."

I freak out when I get to the proverbial "water's edge." God's rescued me so many times, yet I still lose it when I can't see what God sees. If I was in the same place as the Israelites, I'd probably see a river too. I wouldn't have envisioned God parting the river so I could walk through it. Yet that's what He does, every time I get to the water's edge.

My takeaway after reading those verses is something that I needed to be reminded of.

Frequently.

And it's this: don't freak out. The person or thing that I feel like I can't escape from will go away. I feel defenseless, but my feelings aren't telling the truth. God's taking care of it. He's fighting for me. So I just need to take a chill pill and let God do the thing that He does.

Such a simple lesson that I need to be reminded of over and over again.

I don't know where you are today or what you're facing, but don't freak out. God's fighting for you. Just stay calm. Get ready to watch God do something amazing...like part a sea before your very eyes.