The Beginning of the New Me - Part 3

I felt the best I had felt - mentally and physically - in a really long time. But I recognized those great feelings were making me complacent. And, while I was feeling healthy, I was still overweight. For my overall health, I still needed to lose some more pounds and inches. For my mental health, I desperately wanted to see the scale go down - more so I could put the incident behind me. I was stuck at the weight I was when the incident began. So I did something drastic. I hired a personal trainer and from November 2011 to mid-January, I met with him twice a week. I used to watch the Biggest Loser and think, "My gosh, would you stop CRYING? Just do the exercise Bob wants you to do! Why do you have to cry? Stop being a weenie and JUST DO IT!" Now, I totally get it. After many of the sessions, I'd get in my car and cry. Working with the trainer made me see how weak I was, how ineffectively I had been using my body, and how much of this journey was about how I let my emotions, feelings, and fear control my response to everything. Personal training, although uncomfortable at times, was one of the best things I've done for myself. My trainer saw potential in me that I've never seen in myself, and he showed me how to do more than I ever thought I could do. He taught me how to say "I can" instead of "I can't."

Even though I was meeting with the trainer twice a week, the scale never budged. I did, however, lose inches and my clothes started fitting even better, but the scale never moved. Even with the success of losing inches, I just felt stuck. And then something started not feeling right. One night, I decided to proceed with my personal training appointment even though my body felt inflamed and I was feeling pain. I've given up so many times before at the slightest ache or pain, so I wanted to push through the pain. But as the session wore on, the pain increased to the point where I was literally doubled over, so my trainer wisely made the call to cut the session short. This pain was different, so I set up an appointment with my doctor right away. He confirmed that something was up, and sent me to get some tests. And then a few days before a test, my back went out. I was in so much pain. Long story short (and detailed here and here), I needed to have surgery.

From the end of January to the surgery in May, I was severely limited in my mobility due to the pain in my back. There were times when I was so frustrated with God. I was trying to change my life. I was trying to get myself back on track so that I could be a more effective person for Him and for others. I was trying to get rid of these things that were holding me back. He knew that I needed to get past this number on the scale. He KNEW it. And He let me become immobile and experience awful, physical pain. I just didn't get it. Not at all. Why do all this work if this is what I get? Why bother working harder? I had been down this road before, so many times before, and I was tired. I just wanted to catch a break. I just wanted to get away from that number on the scale, away from "him," away from those feelings. And God was withholding from me what I wanted!

But during this time, I kept seeing God around every corner. I didn't want to see Him because He wasn't answering me in the way that I wanted. But He was there and making sure I knew He was there. The big way He kept popping up was in the songs I play every day.

"You must think I'm strong to give me what I'm going through. Well, forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong, but this looks like more than I can do on my own. I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be. I give up. I'm not stong enough. Hands of mercy won't you cover me? Lord right now I'm asking you to be strong enough for the both of us." - Matthew West, Strong Enough

"And you're asking why is it always raining on you, when all you want is just a little good news. God's right there, even if it's hard to see Him. I promise you that He still cares. 'Cause if He started this work in your life, He will be faithful to complete it. If only you believe it. He knows how much it hurts." - Mandisa, Stronger

"I’ve got to say this has taken me by surprise. But nothing surprises You. Before a heartache can ever touch my life it has to go through Your hands. And even though I, I keep asking why... No matter what, I’m gonna love You. No matter what, I’m gonna need You. I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I’ll trust You no matter what." - Kerrie Roberts, No Matter What

"We pray for healing, for prosperity. We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering. All the while, You hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things. 'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near? What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?" - Laura Story, Blessings

The message I kept getting from Him was, "You need to trust Me on this. I'm going to make something beautiful from all of this. This is the uncomfortable stage, but you're going to be a better person - a better person than even you're imagining for yourself. But will you trust me with this?" BIG question. Did I trust God with my weight? Did I trust God to move the number on the scale? Did I trust God to redeem the touches that were stolen from me? Did I trust God to give me the desires of my heart? Did I trust God?

Once I finally got to the place where I completely surrendered this process to God instead of pushing against Him, I felt peace. And not only did I feel peace, I could start to see the bigger picture. The back pain wasn't without purpose - it was there to keep me from further injuring myself. If I had kept at the level of exercise I was doing, I would have caused serious harm to myself. My back pain disappeared immediately after the surgery. The weight that I gained during those few months and consequently the number that the scale showed told me that I hadn't forgiven "that man" as much as I thought I had. There can't be partial forgiveness. It has to be complete. God didn't partially forgive me of my sins. He forgave me from ALL of my sins. It was complete. Not only did He forgive me of all of them, He promised that they are gone from His memory and never to be brought up again. If I bring them up, it's my own issue, but He promises that they are erased from His memory (Psalm 103:12). Because He did this and can continue to do it, why shouldn't He require the same of me? Why can't I offer complete forgiveness to this man?

My pastor did a sermon on forgiveness in May. He said the way to truly know that you've forgiven an offender after saying that they are forgiven is to acknowledge that, "I won't ever bring it up again to the offender, anybody else, or to myself, and I won't rehearse the hurt in my mind." Those words were the key to unlocking the merry-go-round I was riding. I've been guilty of every item on that list, especially rehearsing the hurt in my mind. And it makes sense not to do that because I'm only hurting myself and putting myself back into the cycle of hurt. The only way to bust out and leave it behind is not to do it anymore so the hurt can be left behind. In order to have room for the good stuff on the computer of my mind, I have to drag those corrupt files to the recycle bin, right click on "permanently delete items in recycle bin," and then confirm that, yes, I want to permanently delete them.

It's amazing the freedom that comes from complete forgiveness - whether it's yourself or someone else. It opens up so many more opportunities to invest in others because the focus is no longer self directed. And so I challenge you... who do you need to forgive? You may feel they aren't deserving of forgiveness for what they did to you. I certainly felt that way. But I'd challenge you with this: why are YOU deserving of forgiveness? What makes what you've done any better or worse? You may not have done anything as "big" as someone else, but you've still done things that have caused harm to others. We don't have to do physical harm to someone - the words we speak can cause deep, deep wounds. How can what someone else did to you make them less deserving of forgiveness compared to what you did to someone else? That's the lesson God's been driving home to me. Yes, "that man" hurt me tremendously. But at the end of the day, I've said and done things that have hurt others, including myself. I can't expect forgiveness if I'm unwilling to forgive. And the feeling of freedom and peace that comes through forgiveness is worth the journey.

And so that's where I am. I'm leaving the hurt behind. I was hesitant to even share this part of my story with you because - in the true act of forgiveness -  I didn't want to bring it up, but it's impossible to share the journey God's had me on without sharing that portion. It's is the largest reason for my change. I still struggle with not rehearsing the hurt in my mind. I openly admit that. But being aware of the harmful effect it has on me emotionally, spiritually, and physically has certainly helped to lessen the amount of times it happens. I want to live in freedom, complete freedom, because it feels amazing.

-- Erin

Missed the beginning of the story?

Read Part 1 here.
Read Part 2 here.

The Beginning of the New Me - Part 2

After I finished the Baltimore Women's Classic 5K, it was time to face another issue. My feet. They were killing me. The second I stood on them, I felt a stabbing pain in my heels. I could barely walk. I visited a podiatrist and he said I had something called "plantar fasciitis." PubMed Health describes it as an "inflammation of the thick tissue on the bottom of the foot. This tissue is called the plantar fascia. It connects the heel bone to the toes and creates the arch of the foot." Either way...I HURT. The cause? Me trying to run. Basically, he told me in a nice way, I was too fat for my feet to be able to run. I had given myself plantar fasciitis and the only way to fix it was to stop trying to run, do certain stretches, wear only tennis shoes, and ice my heels. He left out "and lose some weight, fatty" but I knew that was part of the equation. How in the world was I suppose to lose weight if I couldn't exercise?? I HAD to lose weight. Plus I was going on a cruise in November, and I had to at least be mobile!

I tried on my own, but the scale wouldn't budge. I decided I couldn't do it on my own anymore, so I did some research on weight loss programs. I landed on Weight Watchers because they were the only ones that didn't involve buying pre-packaged food. I knew, in order for me to lose and keep the weight off, I had to do it without special foods and learn how to lose weight by being able to make my own food. I walked into Weight Watchers on August 28th, 2010, and stayed for the meeting. It was like every comedy sketch I had seen - all these people talked about was food. I wanted to laugh! But I was inspired by the people there who were openly sharing their struggles. I decided to give myself three months. I didn't even tell my parents until about the third week. For so long I had talked about losing weight, it was time for me to shut up and just do it. So I did it. Right after I got myself a final farewell Five Guys Burger and Fries for lunch. Literally. I went to Weight Watchers, signed up, and got a cheeseburger and fries for lunch. Isn't that an indication of the change that needed to be made? Sheesh!

By the time my cruise had rolled around, I had lost 15lbs in two months. I even lost 4lbs on the cruise! I was finally feeling successful. The pain in my feet was starting to lessen. And more importantly, the pain in my mind and heart from the "incident" was starting to lessen. The one thing that I've learned during my weight loss journey is it's not just about confronting a number on the scale - it's about confronting the reasons and the emotions behind why the weight was gained in the first place. The more that I addressed my weight, the more I kept reliving the "incident." The weight I carried around was a burden and a reminder of the insulation I had built to protect myself. As I shed the weight, it also meant having to shed the hurt. Part of me had become accustomed to the hurt, if that makes sense. I had lived with it so long, it had become part of me and I had to be willing to let it all go if I had truly forgiven that man. In November 2010, I ran into an acquaintance, someone I only knew by his first name. He seemed uncomfortable, but that's because he was trying to work up the nerve to share with me that I knew his brother - "the man." He didn't know the specifics of what happened, but he wanted to apologize to me on behalf of his brother for the harm he did to me. I can't imagine how difficult it was for him to talk to me about that. But I realized that I hadn't forgiven his brother like I thought I had. God gave me the opportunity to see that I still had work to do in regards to forgiveness. But I resisted the opportunity and turned back to what always comforted me in the past: food. Over the next two weeks, I ate and gained 4lbs. He had invaded my world again, and I wanted to rebuild the insulation. I was so mad at him all over again. I realized that I was scared to let go of the hurt that he had caused. If I let go of the hurt, then what did I have to hold on to? Truly, letting go of the hurt meant that God could have filled that space with something fantastic, but for some reason I kept choosing the hurt because it was familiar.

I reminded myself that all of these emotions were part of the journey, and I didn't want to blow the progress that I had made. I learned that when I was stressed I would pig out. I used food to calm me. I would also use food as a reward for when something good happened. When I celebrated completing my first 5K, I went to Five Guys. It's pretty obvious I have a thing for Five Guys, isn't it? I also used fast food as a crutch. Instead of planning food, I'd convince myself that I was too busy to make lunch so I'd have to get Burger King or Wendy's or Chick-fil-A. I noticed that failure to plan equaled failure at the scale, and disappointment with myself. There were some weeks where I stayed the same, and I was okay with that because it meant at least I was dealing with whatever issue popped up without going to food. At some point I realized that I was tired of being disappointed in myself and by myself, and it was stupid for me to continue to do things that made me hate myself. I decided to start doing less of the things that made me hate myself and more of the things that made me proud of myself. If I knew I couldn't eat out and come away feeling proud of myself, I didn't do it. If eating a second helping of something was going to cause me to feel hatred or disappointment toward myself, even if I had the Weight Watchers points for it, I didn't eat it. If watching TV instead of going for a walk made me feel disappointed in myself, I went for the walk. I didn't succeed at doing this 100% of the time, but "do less of the things that cause disappointment in myself and more of the things that make me proud of myself" was a guiding principal for me and still is today.

During the winter months I joined a gym to keep myself active. I also had set a goal to be able to drastically improve my time at the the 2011 Baltimore Women's Classic 5K. I practiced running for 30 seconds every two minutes or so and would gradually build up my time. The important thing with exercise, for me, was to just do something. When I first started exercising at the beginning of the prior year, I could barely do 10 minutes at 2.0 on the treadmill. My brain, lungs, and legs screamed at me to stop. But I did it. The next day, I did it again. And I did it again after that. I told myself each time that I would look back on this day and remember where I started. I remember going for a walk in my neighborhood and being able to only "run" for 10 seconds. It felt like torture. But I told myself that I was laying the groundwork for Future Erin to live out her dreams. I needed to suck it up and do it for her. And I reminded myself that, a year prior, running for 10 seconds wasn't even an option. Each time I got out there, I could do a little more. My goal was to be able to feel successful at the 2011 Baltimore Women's Classic and do my best race.

By the time the 2011 Baltimore Women's Classic 5K rolled around I had lost 30lbs with the guidance of Weight Watchers (45lbs total) and a lot of hard work. This time I did the BWC with some wonderful women that I met through Weight Watchers. It was amazing seeing each of these ladies succeed at completing their race. I ran/walked my best race, and I was so excited to cross the finish line. I secretly hoped to be finished the 3.1 miles in 40 minutes, and I finished in 38:24 with a 12:22 pace. I shaved 10:52 off my time from last year!! I can't tell you how exhilarating it was to cross the finish line and know that I had given it my best.

Over the next two months, I continued to be diligent about my walking/running and did the River Valley Run in August for the very first time. I had always photographed it and secretly wished that I was like the people doing the run, so I made the decision to just do it. Unfortunately that day I was feeling miserable with a head cold, but I did it anyway. That was another big change for me. Before I would have backed out, but this time, I did it. I didn't worry about beating my time from the BWC, I just enjoyed the scenery and was thankful that I could complete the race - and I did it in 40:30. Not bad for being sick and not really trying!

By the time the fall came around, I found myself losing steam. I knew that come winter I would lose motivation and not want to work it. It's my pattern. So I decided that I needed to change that pattern. Also, I had hit a plateau and I couldn't seem to bust past a certain number on the scale. I had felt good that I had lost all the weight that I had gained from "the incident," but I was stuck at the weight I was when it all started. Mentally, I felt like if I could separate myself from that number than it would give me a clean break from what happened and I could put it behind me. I didn't realize the work God was going to do in me about that number over the winter months.

Read Part 1 of the story here.
Read Part 3 of the story here. 

The Beginning of the New Me - Part 1

2010 was the year I decided I was done.

I was tired of being who I was.

I've always battled with my weight. Between the ages of 15 and 16, I lost 70lbs so that I could be skinny in my graduation picture and on graduation day. I still remember getting on the scale on my graduation day and feeling like it didn't matter what happened that day because the number on the scale was the lowest number I had ever seen. I maintained the number for a couple of years, but then things went downhill. I started gaining weight for no reason. It didn't matter how little I ate, the number on the scale climbed. I panicked. I became depressed. And then the depression got dark. I was tired all the time - REALLY tired - and I could barely stay awake. I was freezing all the time. I'd sit outside on a warm, sunny day curled up in a blanket. I felt like I had a black cloud hanging over my head all the time, and I would randomly start crying. Literally, at the dinner table, enjoying conversation, and then I'd burst into tears. I had panic attacks. I was scared to go anywhere because I wasn't sure if I'd freak out or start randomly crying. I was convinced that I was crazy. I visited a doctor who said there was nothing wrong with me. I visited another doctor who said the same thing. They sent me to a psychiatrist who told me I was suffering a bad break up from a secret boyfriend that I was lying to my mother about. That went over well with us. My depression continued to worsen, and I was at a place where I was scared that I couldn't control it any longer. I wanted to kill myself. My doctor put me on an anti-depressant, which helped. But it didn't explain WHAT was going on. My doctor did one more blood test and the results came back that I had sub-clinical hypothyroidism. I had my answer. Within three weeks of being on Synthroid, I felt amazing. No more depression, no more crazy crying, no more freezing to death. I knew what was wrong with me. I hadn't felt so free in so long. I had started to put the pieces of me back together. I had weathered the storm and made it out alive.

Then a situation happened that profoundly changed me. A man that I knew began putting his hands on me. I did absolutely nothing to encourage it. He'd walk up behind me and massage my neck and shoulders. He'd rub my arms, try to hold my hands, try to kiss my hand. No matter how many times I told him to stop touching me, he didn't get the message. Thankfully, he was removed from my life by men who cared about me. But the damage was done. I felt like he had stolen intimate touches from me. Touches that I had been saving to give to my future husband. I had never been on a date, never held hands with a guy, and this guy blew in to my world and took from me things I was saving. I was so angry that I didn't have the choice to give them to someone I loved because he robbed them from me. I felt such incredible anger at him and especially at God for allowing it to happen. I know now that God used me to be part of this man's downfall so he could hit rock bottom and change his life. I'm genuinely happy for this guy that his life is back on track.

I allowed anger and hurt to rule me for a long time. Subconsciously, I think I decided that if I felt ugly about myself then no man would do that to me again. And the best way for me to feel ugly was to be fat. I also needed a reason why God hadn't given me the one thing I had wanted most: marriage and a family. If I was fat and ugly, then at least I had a reason. Who's attracted to a fat, ugly person? I was in a vicious cycle of food, anger, unforgiveness, and incredible hurt.

By 2010, I realized the damage I was doing to myself. I was about to turn 29, and I just didn't want to live that way anymore. I was tired of drinking the poison of anger, shame, and unforgiveness. I was only hurting myself. I started by forgiving this guy and by asking God for His forgiveness. I know that He doesn't want to hurt me. No where in the Bible does He do anything to intentionally or maliciously harm those who love Him. He wasn't about to start with me. He promises to be with us in the fire, and I blamed Him for something that wasn't His fault. Once I finally came to peace with this, I could move on.

The damage was done. I had gained a significant amount of weight, and I had to face the fact that the number on the scale was not lying. This weight was not who I was. I felt hidden under layers of fat and powerless to change, but I knew that I needed to change, and I had to find a way. I also knew that I had done it before and I could do it again. I decided to do something that scared me: commit to doing a 5K and lay out the cash to prove that I was serious about it. I signed up for the Baltimore Women's Classic 5K, and my goal was to make it across the finish line without passing out and needing them to send a medic to get me halfway through. I joined a training team (hosted by Charm City Run) for beginner/intermediate walkers and had the most fun I'd had in a long time.





This was me on June 27, 2010. I'm smiling, genuinely smiling. And I'm happy, even though I'm hot as blazes and the 101 degree heat was starting to get to me. I'm praying that I can do this. I'm wondering if I will make it. I tried to look cute and athletic, but I wore the wrong pair of shorts - a pair I'd never worn before -  and my thighs rubbed together horribly. This is one time when one shouldn't abide by "fashion over function." I endured 3.1 miles of my thighs rubbing together. Chafed thighs are not one of my most favorite memories. If you decide to do a 5K for the first time, test your shorts out first.

But you know what?

I had to slow my roll, but I finished. Me, who doesn't enjoy sweating, was off the couch and walking 3.1 miles in 101 degree heat.

I crossed the finish line, and the feeling of finishing what I had started was one of the best things I had ever felt. I completed my first 5K in 49:16 (15:52 pace). I wasn't thrilled with my time, but I told myself it was a starting point.

I was proud of me for finishing, and I hadn't been proud of myself in a long time.

Read Part 2 of the story here.

Thankful...Or Naked

Every Tuesday, Jack and I do this thing on our show called "GratiTuesday." We just take the afternoon and give our listeners to talk about things they are grateful for. It's pretty amazing to hear everything from a little kid saying that they are grateful for their parents or best friends to a woman saying she is grateful for her Stage 4 cancer diagnosis because it makes her grateful for the time that she has.

Yesterday I saw the quote, "What if you woke up only with the things you thanked God for yesterday?" It made me think that I do a pretty stinky job of being grateful for the big and small things.

It occurred to me that if I truly woke up with everything I thanked God for yesterday, I'd be cold, alone,  naked, and friendless.

Let's just be real.

Although, the friendless thing wouldn't be so bad because then no one would see me nekkid.

Anyway, I decided to create a little reminder to myself based on that quote. There it is above. Feel free to share. Here's to being a thankful person all the time. So we're not alone. And naked.

Easiest Pumpkin Spice Latte Ever

You are about to be introduced to one of the greatest things ever. A friend told me about this, and SHE got it from the lady who works at Trader Joe's, who probably was told about this by her cousin Louisa, thrice removed, on her mother's side of the family.

Or probably not.

Moving on.

We're talking about the world's easiest way to make a pumpkin spice latte: coffee plus pumpkin ice cream. I've tried countless versions of homemade pumpkin spice lattes and they either tasted goopy from the pumpkin or chalky from the spices. This is the winner to me. And it's a no brainer to make.

But let's be real for a moment.

Nothing can compare to a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte. It's awesome. How do they do it? Starbucks puts magic in their lattes. Plain and simple. And then they stir it with the horn of a unicorn that's been dipped in sugar while we're busy checking our iPhones. That's how. And that's why one grande pumpkin spice latte costs almost $5. Never mind the fact that a half gallon of ice cream is somewhere around $3.50, and we could get two 1/2 gallons of ice cream for the cost of two Starbucks grande lattes.

So my disclaimer: nothing will taste as awesome as a Starbucks pumpkin spice latte. But here's how to make the world's easiest pumpkin spice latte that's pretty stinking enjoyable.

Maple Pear Lentil Salad

Are you a Lentil Freaker Outer?

I used to be a Lentil Freaker Outer.

"Lentil Freaker Outer" is my own soon to be copyrighted phrase describing a person who sees lentils in a recipe and, well, freaks out and avoids making and consuming said recipe.

How does a Lentil Freaker Outer become one?

I don't know. It could be for one reason or another. A few reasons why I became a Lentil Freaker Outer: my mother never cooked with them; lentils are different; the fiber content is scary high; there are too many types; nobody else will eat them...

My First Roasted Chicken - I'm A Big Girl Now!

Crisp, autumn weather.

...Check.

Lovely older couple, from whom I rent, is out of town for the day.

...Check.

Bestie is available to come over.

...Check.

Ingredients gathered for a delightful, home cooked email that will taste better and cost less than the $$$ we spent at that pasta place the other night.

....Check, check, and CHECK.

With the lovely older couple from whom I rent (also known as ...my parents) out of town for the day, the kitchen was mine. All mine. I could make as many dishes as I wanted. I could make as big of a mess as I wanted. I could do it all without anyone (*cough*Dad*cough*) poking their head in and saying, "I sure hope you're going to clean this mess up when you're done!" The kitchen, the house, all of it was mine. I sent a text to the bestie to see if she was available for dinner, dessert, and a movie, and she was totally free.

The menu: comfort food. I am not ready for it to be this chilly so fast, but I sure do love that it's cool enough that I can turn on the oven. I was going to roast some cornish hens, because they are cute (I like it when my meat is cute), but I thought it might be nice to have some leftovers in the house. So I decided to roast a chicken.

I've never roasted a chicken before.

Last year I roasted the Thanksgiving turkey, so I figure if I can do a turkey, I should be able to do something smaller, right?

I picked up a 9lb oven stuffer roaster. On sale. I love sales. Although meat sales slightly concern me...like...why exactly is the grocery store selling this piece of meat so cheap? Do they know something I don't? Because I'm not into poisoning people. I draw the line at that.

So I said a prayer, brought the bird home, and scoured the Internet to learn how to cook a chicken. There are so many methods. Too many methods. My brain hurt trying to figure out what to do. Ultimately, here's what I decided:


Chicken Prep:

In the morning, I rinsed, dried, and placed the bird in a shallow pan (high sides will cause the bird to steam - want that skin to get crispy!). I dry brined the bird by sprinkling the entire bird - inside and out - with kosher salt. Since it's a 9lb chicken, I probably used about 1/4-1/3 cup of salt. The bird dry brined for 6 hours (should do one hour for every pound). About an hour before the bird needed to go into the oven, I pulled it out of the fridge so it could come to somewhat of a room temperature. I rinsed the dry brine off the bird (and baking dish), patted it dry, and stuffed the cavity of the bird with

2 3-inch sprigs of rosemary
6 sage leaves
1 onion, quartered
1 lemon, quartered
5 cloves of garlic, peeled and smashed

I then used my fingers to separate the skin from the breast meat. In between the skin and breast meat I placed

1-2 tbls chopped rosemary
6 whole sage leaves

My garden overfloweth with sage and rosemary, so I rubbed the outside of the bird with a little olive oil, sprinkled on some fresh cracked pepper and a little more chopped rosemary (no additional salt - that chicken soaks in some salt from the brine). In the baking dish, I surrounded the chicken with

1 large onion, cut into quarters, and each quarter cut in half
5 garlic cloves, peeled and smashed
1/2 cup water
1/2 cup white wine (consider using apple cider or another flavorful liquid)

Chicken Roasting:

I followed Sara Schneider's "The Perfect Roast Chicken" method. Since I had a 9lb chicken, I roasted it at 425 for an 1 hour and 45 minutes. I did use a meat thermometer to test for doneness. Don't use the little pop up timer thing that comes with the chicken. Seriously. Mine never popped up the whole time. If I had followed it, my chicken would be available to use in the next Ravens' game as the football.

Here's the before and after:

Seriously.

Is that not GORGEOUS??

Let's try that again.

Before - messy things happen when preparing an amazing roast chicken

After - gorgeous, roasted chicken

Helllllllloooo. I sat for a good while admiring my chicken. I'm not even going to lie about that. I admired my own roasted chicken because it was gorgeous and I was happy and it was a major culinary accomplishment. I made my first roasted chicken. Rawr.

When the bestie arrived, we took it one step more. We made heavenly gravy out the drippings and pan juices.

Basic Gravy:

2 Tbls fat (drippings, oil, grease, or butter)
2 Tbls flour
1 cup liquid (pan juices topped off with stock, apple cider, orange juice, white wine, apple juice or another flavorful liquid if there aren't enough juices to measure one cup)

Heat the fat in a saucepan. Once the fat is hot, stir in the flour and keep stirring for 3-5 minutes. Once the flour begins to turn golden brown, slowly pour in the liquid, stirring constantly - no lumps! Let the sauce simmer for a few minutes until it is thick, then serve.

And then once dinner was over, we picked the meat worth picking off of the carcass and dropped the chicken carcass into a giant stockpot along with the rest of the aromatics (the onions, lemon, garlic that were cooked with the bird). We threw in a couple stalks of celery, a couple carrots, some crushed garlic, more onion, some bay leaves, whole peppercorns, dried basil and oregano, and enough water to cover the carcass. Once the water came to a boil, we reduced the heat to let everything simmer away while we watched a movie. I now have seven cups of chicken stock in my freezer, ready to use the minute I need it.

So, for around $11, I got dinner, gravy, chicken stock, lunch the next day, and a casserole (to use up the leftover chicken) out of one bird. Annnnd an awesome evening of cooking with my bestie. Definitely a win win!

I'm ridiculously ready to make another roasted chicken. What I want to know: how do you roast yours? Do you stuff the cavity? Brine it? I'd love to know what YOU do!

Pumpkin Donuts AKA "Taste of Heaven"

"Um...we are awesome."

"Um...we are ridiculously amazing."

"Our parents would be so proud of us right now."

"I feel like a such a grown up!"

"I could drink that maple glaze."

"Everyone in the world wishes they were in this kitchen right now."

"Forget you, Dunkin Donuts!"

"How many do you think we can have? Oh. Wait. We're ADULTS. We can have as many as we want!!"

It was a culinary achievement that started with an amazing roasted chicken, rosemary garlic roasted potatoes, and maple glazed carrots for dinner (recipes for them tomorrow). To say that the bestie (Tatiana) and I were a little complimentary to ourselves would be an understatement. And really, if you decide to go through the trouble of making these pumpkin donuts, you will be saying similar things too. They were, in a word, amazing. There is something truly gratifying about making a donut at home and being completely uninhibited and concerned about dropping dough in hot oil, frying it, rolling it around in sugar, and eating it. There must be freedom from concern about calories and fat. Trust me...Tatiana and I felt complete freedom.

A note about this recipe: this recipe makes a truly delicious cake donut. My dough chilled for 8 hours, so you could definitely make this the night before and cook them in the morning. The dough is very sticky - so sticky that you will wonder if you did something wrong. The temptation is to knead more flour into it, but resist the urge because this doesn't make a bread dough. Use enough flour to dust your work surface so that you can pat the dough out without it sticking. I didn't have a donut cutter, so I used an old Pampered Chef "Cut 'N Seal" and pastry tip to cut the hole. Make sure to keep the oil between 365-370 degrees and keep checking it. It makes the world of difference. Our oil got too hot, so the outsides of a few donuts were cooked before the insides got done. Boo. We got a little crazy and made the traditional donut shaped, donut holes, and donut dunking sticks.

For the cinnamon sugar topping, I used my own vanilla sugar (squeal!) mixed with some cinnamon, but you could make regular old cinnamon sugar by 1 cup sugar with 1 Tbls cinnamon (more or less as you like).

For the spiced maple glaze: combine 1 cup powdered sugar, 1 tsp pumpkin pie spice, 2 tbls real maple syrup, 1 Tbls hot water (or more to get to a glaze consistency).

The donut recipe was found via Annie's Eats (whose pictures of the donuts made me want to make this recipe and are infinitely better than mine). Rather than reprint it here, go visit her blog - she even has a printer ready version of the recipe. Also, be sure to check out Pinch of Salt (from whom Annie's Eats adapted the recipe). She has some great "cooking process" photos and tips.

Happy donut making!

Don't Be...Because I Am and I Will

Size: 5x7
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Size: 8x10
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I was feeling the need to be creative. Feel free to download, share, print, and encourage!

The DIY Tote Bag Experience

We faced opposition.

We were laughed at to our faces.

We were mocked.

But we persevered.

We showed our mothers and the rest of our families that we could sew without injuring ourselves or others, and have the end result look halfway decent!

Ladies and gentlemen...the finished product! TA-DA!!

Just Stay Calm

The Israelites are a bunch of whiney behineys aren't they?

God rescues them over and over again and they whine at the slightest hiccup.

Not like I can identify with that or anything.

Whatever.

Anyway, I came across this Bible verse and it resonated with me.

Quick set up: Pharaoh has just released the Israelites when he changes his mind and decides to go after them. The Israelites are at the edge of the river with no place to go. They can see Pharaoh and his army behind them, barreling down on them. So, naturally, they do what most people would do. They lose it. They begin to berate Moses:

"'Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren’t there enough graves for us in Egypt? What have you done to us? Why did you make us leave Egypt? Didn’t we tell you this would happen while we were still in Egypt? We said, ‘Leave us alone! Let us be slaves to the Egyptians. It’s better to be a slave in Egypt than a corpse in the wilderness!’” Exodus 14:11-12

But Moses, being the ever patient leader, says to them:

" ...'Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.'" Exodus 14:13-14

I love that - "just stay calm."

I freak out when I get to the proverbial "water's edge." God's rescued me so many times, yet I still lose it when I can't see what God sees. If I was in the same place as the Israelites, I'd probably see a river too. I wouldn't have envisioned God parting the river so I could walk through it. Yet that's what He does, every time I get to the water's edge.

My takeaway after reading those verses is something that I needed to be reminded of.

Frequently.

And it's this: don't freak out. The person or thing that I feel like I can't escape from will go away. I feel defenseless, but my feelings aren't telling the truth. God's taking care of it. He's fighting for me. So I just need to take a chill pill and let God do the thing that He does.

Such a simple lesson that I need to be reminded of over and over again.

I don't know where you are today or what you're facing, but don't freak out. God's fighting for you. Just stay calm. Get ready to watch God do something amazing...like part a sea before your very eyes.

Standing At The Foot of the Cross... Really

It was a cold morning for a walk.

47 degrees cold.

I'm not quite ready for these temps. It doesn't even smell like autumn to me yet.

Nevertheless, I laced up my shoes, started out on my walk and promptly turned around to go back home and get my fleece jacket. I almost changed my mind at that point and thought about staying inside, but I told myself I needed to stick with it. I needed to go on my morning walk.

Straight up: I've been slacking. Slacking in my exercise, slacking in healthy eating habits, slacking in maintaining my stress levels... slacking in at all, it feels like.

My morning walk is my alone time. My me time. My time with God. My time where no one and no thing is pulling at me. I don't listen to music when I walk or run because I like to observe the things around me. I like to pray. This morning it was so quiet, I could hear the squirrels in the trees munching on acorns and dropping the shells to the pavement below. I nearly got dinged on the head by a squirrel mindlessly chucking an acorn shell.

Maybe I'm not as one with the squirrels as I originally thought.

To Participate Or Not, That Is The Question

I've been receiving invitations to participate in the latest "breast cancer awareness" game. Have you received the invites?

If not here's what it looks like:

In support of breast cancer awareness!

Ok pretty ladies, it's that time of year again, in support of breast cancer awareness!! So we all remember last years game of writing your bra color as your status?.....or the way we like to have our handbag handy? Remember last year so many people took part that it made national news and, the constant updating of status reminded everyone why we're doing this and helped raise awareness!! Do NOT tell any males what the status' mean, keep them guessing!! And please copy and paste (in a message )this to all your female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year!!! I did my part... now YOUR turn ! Go on ladies...and let's have all the males guessing! .. It's time to confuse the men again.

The idea is to choose the month you were born and the day you were born. Pass this on to the girls only and lets see how far it reaches around. The last one about the bra went round allovr the world.So you'll write... I'm (your birth month) weeks and I'm craving (your birth date)!!! as your status. Example: Feb 14th= I'm 2 weeks and craving Choclolate mints!

January-1week, Febuary-2weeks
March-3weeks, April-4weeks, May-6weeks, June-8weeks, July-10weeks, August-12weeks September-13weeks, October-14weeks, November-16weeks December-18weeks

Days of the month: 1-Skittles 2-Starburst 3-Kit-Kat 4-M&M's 5-Galaxy 6-Crunchie 7-Dairy Milk 8-Lollipop 9-Peanut Butter Cups 10-Meat Balls 11-Twizzlers 12-Bubble Gum 13-Hershey's Kisses 14-Chocolate Mints 15-Twix 16-Resse's Fastbreak 17-Fudge 18-Cherry Jello 19-Milkyway 20-Pickels 21-Creme Eggs 22-Skittles 23-Gummy Bears 24-Gummy Worms 25-Strawberry Pop Tarts 26-Starburst 27-Mini Eggs 28-Kit-Kat Chunkie 29-Double Chocolate Chip Chrunchy Cookies 30-Smarties 31-Chocolate Cake

First off, it looks like a spam bot created the message. There are so many misspellings, punctuation errors, and grammar issues that I have a mini explosion in my mind each time I see it. I would never participate in the game on that fact alone. And then there's the fact that my brain is being held hostage by the English nerd within me who is so offended at the poor presentation she might cripple my mind.

I'm going to talk directly to my Christian ladies for a second here.

If I posted, "I'm 10 weeks and I'm craving Kit-Kats!" the implication, in my case, is that I, as a Christian woman and a Christian leader, am currently engaging in a sex outside of marriage (something God asks us to keep protect, revere, and keep within marriage), and it has resulted in a pregnancy.

Someone will definitely NOT get that this is a game and they will believe that I truly am pregnant. Do I really want to mislead my circle of friends just because everyone else is participating in a game that says it's to support breast cancer awareness...even though there's no mention of breast cancer awareness?

I know, I know. You're probably rolling your eyes and thinking, "Umm...I'm married, so it's fine for me! Get off yer high horse and lighten up, Erin! It's just a game for FUN!"

But go with me on this. Just consider something with me.

"There are six things the Lord hates - no, seven things he detests: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that kill the innocent, a heart that plots evil, feet that race to do wrong, a false witness who pours out lies, a person who sows discord in a family." Proverbs 6:16-19

"You say, 'I am allowed to do anything' - but not everything is good for you. You say, 'I am allowed to do anything' -but not everything is beneficial. Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others." 1 Corinthians 10:23-24

Are we allowed to play the game according to this verse in 1 Corinthians?

Sure. Absolutely.

Is it beneficial?

I'm leaning towards "not really." It doesn't do anything to help breast cancer research. Participating causes a woman to lie - something the Lord hates according to the verse in Proverbs. And it causes her to purposefully deceive her friends into believing a lie - something else the Lord detests according to Proverbs.

Then there's that second part of the verse in 1 Corinthians: "Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others."

If I was to share this, I would definitely be encouraging other women to lie and to deceive. I would also be encouraging other single women to give the appearance that they are having sex out of marriage. I'd also be showing younger women that it's okay to lie and deceive as long as it's a fun game. Do I really want to encourage the 14 year old girl in my church's youth group to mislead her friends into thinking she's pregnant? Is that the example I want to set to my circle of friends?

Honestly, I'm not trying to over-spiritualize here. I'm just trying to weigh what I know to be true with what I'm being presented. These games revolve around deceiving others, and most have some sort of sexual innuendo. Remember the "Color Game?"

The "color" game seemed to be an easy answer to me. Yet, I was stunned to see fellow Christian women participating...and then getting upset and offended when men cracked jokes or asked other intimate questions. I wouldn't walk up to my worship pastor or my boss or one of male co-workers or one of male listeners (all of whom I'm friends with on Facebook), tell them the color of my undergarments, and walk away. Yet, it's essentially the same thing. I don't want any of them envisioning me in my underwear. Honestly, if I was a married woman, I would be furious at another woman for implanting an image of themselves in their skivvies in my husband's mind when I'm the one that should be occupying that space. I respect myself, my future husband, and my friend's wives too much to do that.

So I guess my challenge to you and to myself is to think about and examine these kinds of things. Even the silly little "fun" things. No matter how "fun" the games sound, do they encourage me to say things that go against what or Who I profess to follow? If I share this thing, will I trip someone else up? Will I encourage a younger woman or teen to do something that would be inappropriate even though I may have license to do it?

You and me, we're leaders. We're influencers. People pay attention to what we say and do whether we like it or not. It doesn't matter our age - whether we're in our teens, in our 30's, in our 70's - it doesn't matter what our profession is, there will always be someone who looks to us and trusts our thoughts and opinions. Everything we do has a consequence, good or bad.

If women really want to raise awareness for breast cancer, why not create a status about the importance of a self breast exam? Or why not talk about getting scheduled for a mammogram and post the date of their next exam?

Misleading people into thinking that you're pregnant? Yup...that really brings awareness to a deadly cancer.

One final thought...WHO IN THE WORLD WANTS PEOPLE THINKING THEY ARE PREGGERS?? The last thing I want is someone coming up to me who DIDN'T get that it was a game and saying, "Congrats - you looked like you were expecting!!" It's all fun and games until someone calls you FAT!

And those are my finals thoughts.

The end.

Mint Brownie {Jar} Cookies

So I have eight wide mouth quart jars.

Eh, make that seven jars because I'm making soup tomorrow, and I'm going to store the soup in a jar.

So I have seven wide mouth quart jars left over from the case that I bought at WalMart for $11. I used four jars to make my homemade vanilla extract and vanilla sugar. Now...what to do with the rest? My mind immediately went to jar mixes. You know, the jar contains everything needed to make a special delightful treat and all the recipient has to do is butter or water or whatever.

Yesterday morning, I decided to hold an audition for the quart jar mixes because some jar mixes just aren't created equal. I just can't package a bunch of ingredients up in a jar and give it as a gift without making sure the recipe actually works. So I gathered up some recipes to test because now is the time to do it if I'm going to be giving them away at Christmas. I saw this one by Bakerella, but I messed with her recipe a little bit because 1) that's just how I do, and 2) I didn't have plain M&M's on hand.

Homemade Vanilla Extract & Vanilla Sugar

"It smells like a distillery in here," my dad says with his nose scrunched up.

"THAT'S BECAUSE I'M MAKING VANILLA EXTRACT!!!" I shouted with glee.

Guys. I made vanilla extract.

Like, VANILLA EXTRACT.

This is probably, like, one of the coolest things I've ever done.

The hardest part of making it is rounding up the ingredients.

Vanilla Beans
I ordered mine from Beanilla.com. With a name like "Beanilla," I figure they must have great vanilla beans. I ordered 25 Tahitian vanilla beans, but they also have Madagascar, Bourbon, Tonga, Mexican, Indonesian, and more varieties. Before I ordered the beans, I did a quick check on the internet to see if there were any coupons available. I found one that saved me 10%! Try the coupon code 'SAVE10' if you order some.

Corn Muffins & A Hurricane

So...what exactly does one do when a hurricane is about to roll through?

Me?

Well, I was up early thanks to my stupid internal alarm clock to take some pictures...

How Oscar Eggelbergensmithenscoober and Francois Oeufandbois Met Their Demise

This brief story is really about the demise of Oscar Eggelbergensmithenscoober and Francois Oeufandbois. When Oscar Eggelbergensmithenscoober and Francois Oeufandbois became best friends in the egg carton, it was obvious they would leave this world in a blaze of glory and it was just a matter of time.

Now, you would think by looking at Oscar's silly expression that he would be the troublemaker of the two, but looks can be deceiving.

You see, Francois managed to instigate most of the trouble and never get handed the blame. Who would suspect an egg with a cheeky smile, rotund appearance, and innate French charm?

Certainly not I.

Indeed, who wouldn't point fingers at Oscar? He had the very look of "goofy" and "trouble" upon his face, but really he was just a fun loving, innocent egg that exercised poor judgement.

So what kind of trouble can two silly eggs get into in an egg carton, you ask?

My Secret to Amazing Chocolate Chip Cookies (SHHHHH!)

My Facebook friend, Patty, posted on my wall that she needed my best - think state fair winning - chocolate chip cookie recipe.

Naturally, I have such a thing.

Well, kind of.

It hasn't won any ribbons, but if compliments were ribbons, you'd have to find a truck large enough to haul all of them.

So, I've got a couple of secrets to my cookie making that I'd like to share with you.

These secrets, I'm only sharing with you, my closest friends, because that's what friends are for.

And I am that kind of friend.

And I'm hoping I can help Patty win a blue ribbon.

My secret to the best chocolate chip cookie are as follows...

The Proposal Fairies

Last night, my co-worker Christina and I had the distinct honor and privilege of setting the scene so our co-worker John could propose to the love of his life, Stella. She thought she was going to her mom's house for dinner.

Tee-hee.

While they were at dinner, Christina and I sneaked into her apartment. We were like burglars with rose petals. And a key. Except we didn't take anything. But we did leave a gorgeous, awesome mess behind.

John and I have been working on the setting for Stella's proposal for a few weeks. John had envisioned candle light...and lots of it. But I reminded him that candles + open flame = fire hazard. So I suggested LED tea lights and candles, and they worked great. John scoured every WalMart on the east side of Baltimore and bought every LED candle they had in stock. Our apologies if you needed some.

Food Network Star DC Open Casting Call

Ummm...hello.

I just got an email from the casting assistant for Food Network Star.

Yes.

THE FOOD NETWORK.

I GOT AN EMAIL FROM SOMEBODY AT THE FOOD NETWORK.

THEY KNOW I EXIST.

Actually, I'm sure they googled "Baltimore" and "food blogger" and somehow found me. I don't care how it happened. I'm doing a happy freak out dance.

BTW - if you're from the Food Network and you're reading this...I'm cool as a cucumber because, like, I'm a professional, you know?

Um...so...anyway...

Here's the scoop: Food Network is doing an open casting call for the next season of Food Network Star in DC on Monday.

Monday, August 8th, 2011

10am-2pm

The Westin City Center

1400 M St. NW

Washington, DC 20005

They're looking for people who are full of life, passionate about cooking, and knowledgeable about food. Think about your friends...do you know who is a chef, home cook, caterer or culinary enthusiast who might be interested in becoming the host of his or her own cooking show on Food Network? If you do, CALL THEM UP.

Right now.

Opportunities like this just don't happen.

You get your friends down to that audition, STAT!

Oh, and make sure they download an application and bring it - completed - along with two recent photos. Better yet, forward them my blog page and make sure the follow this link that has all the details, K?

OK, my job is done.

If you make it, I want a recipe named after me.

That's all I ask.

Thank you.