I nodded, fully expecting to hear that I had endometriosis. But "big time"? What did that mean?
Before I could ask a question, my doctor continued. "The way we need to treat you is with a chemotherapy drug. Endometriosis is fed by estrogen. Your body produces too much estrogen, so we need to eliminate estrogen temporarily so we can kill the remaining cells. It will be a six month treatment that will put you in menopause. Your hair will not fall it. You will not grow a beard. You may get oily skin. And you may have hot flashes. If they get severe, we can give you something to help with the hot flashes."
I had a mini freak out in my head.
"Chemotherapy drug? Grow a beard? MENOPAUSE? Hot flashes? Excuse me??"
But instead, this very calm, self-assured person that resembled me said, "Okay. When do we begin?"
That day has come.
This morning I went in for my first of six treatments. A simple shot in my hip, once a month for the next six months.
I don't know what the coming months will bring. Not a clue. I've read all the pros and cons. I understand how it will help me. I understand how it could harm me. The last six months have already tested my limits. But I'm trusting in God because I understand that there is purpose in this. I'm not sure how He's going to use this experience, but there is something very freeing about being able to lay the things that are scaring the wits out of me at God's feet and say, "It's Yours." Right now, I'm laying my fear of experiencing hot flashes, crazy mood swings, gaining weight, fear of a depression flare up, fear of bone density loss, and all the other side effects at his feet. Including growing a beard. I can't forget that. It does me no good to hold on to those fears.
What's terrifying you right now? What do you need to lay at God's feet and say, "It's all Yours"? Health crisis? Job? Children? Singleness? Friend? Marriage?
My friend Jack has a saying that I love: faith and fear can't live in the same house. I don't know about you, but I'd rather throw my front door wide open to Faith and invite her in for a long stay and give Fear a swift kick out the back door. Faith is such good company and doesn't carry the dramaliciousness with her that Fear does.
I don't know what the future may bring, and I'm okay with that. In my experience God has never allowed me to walk down a difficult path without being right there with me, and He's never allowed it to be without purpose. I'm trusting in God's purpose and plan for me...not my own.